4. The Morning She Woke Up On The Floor Of the Casino At The Cosmopolitan, aka. No Cab Money Lost In Vegas Problems.
Preface: KP and LB adhere to a strict set of guidelines when it comes to those with whom we surround ourselves. One rule strictly enforced is that one must always act in ways that contribute material to The Chronicles of Saltiness. Here is the story of one such friend, who we will refer to only as MM.
It was a typical night in Vegas for KP, LB and MM. Dinner, accompanying a handsome group of men at the prime table at XS, and topping the night off at Drais. We should have known the night would take the $altiest of turns when LB (the responsible one of the group) decided to go back to the hotel to ensure maximum driving capabilities for the long drive home. Left were KP and MM who may or may not be the worst influences on each other. If only we had enough time together to get into some trouble.
After meeting a group of fellow LAer’s, MM decided to take a solo trip to the bathroom that resulted in a whole new level of inappropriateness. Inappropriateness that included leaving KP at Drais. Alone. A six hour, partially-solo adventure of inappropriateness that ended 10 minutes before checkout and 2 minutes before KP and LB were about to start a search party through the streets of Vegas. But once MM shamefully walked through the doors of our hotel room, we knew the story and resulting material was worth it all.
Let us explain.
Having gone to the bathroom by herself, the least responsible one of the group found herself mistakenly in the men’s bathroom of Drais. Immediate eye contact with one gentleman mid-urinal straddling and MM was in lust. They immediately went on a “tour of sorts” through Drais, first the men’s room, then the hallways, and finally stopping in the kitchen of Drais (since when is there a kitchen at Drais and WHO in their right mind would eat anything from there?!). But let us continue. MM and uninal-straddler decided it was time to go, and left for his hotel (to gamble of course). An hour later and shame setting in, MM knew it was time to leave. Finally getting into the warmth of a cab, the still intoxicated MM realized en route to our hotel that she had lost all of her money. And screamed it out loud, resulting in the cab driver stopping in the middle of the strip and kicking her out.
Phone dead and with no money, MM made her way to the Cosmopolitan Hotel. Why? She mistakenly thought we were staying there. Upon realizing her mistake, MM saw no other immediate solution other than parking it right in the middle of the casino floor for a quick nap, using one heel as a pillow and another as a blanket. Fast forward about three hours later and MM was abruptly awoken by a concerned gentleman gently tapping her on the shoulder.
MM, to gentleman: “Please tell me this is the Palms”.
Gentleman, to MM: “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are at the Cosmopolitan. Were you abandoned”?
MM, to gentleman (and mostly herself): “I think I abandoned myself”.
Now let’s go back to MM’s triumphant return to our hotel. Having waited 30 LONG minutes for a cab driver that would take her back gratis, MM walked through the doors of the hotel room to KP and LB’s scornful faces. Immediately sensing the anger, MM blurted out: “Before you guys go off on me just know that I woke up on the floor of the Cosmo casino so nothing you say will make me feel worse than I already do”. And there, at the end of that sentence, was the reminder of why we keep this MM around.
And that, our loyal followers, concludes “The Morning She Woke Up On The Floor Of the Cosmopolitan Casino”.
***CAUTION: PLEASE HAVE AT LEAST 2 GLASSES OF WATER READY BEFORE READING ANY FURTHER***
While we were gone…
Many a things have transpired since we have last been seen by all of your $alty faces. We have put our personal lives on hold, doing extensive field work, scouring the country and at some points (some meaning often) getting ourselves in some extra $alty situations. All in the name of $alt. Although we cannot divulge in every $altcapade encountered, we have narrowed our $altploitations down to the following installments which we will release in-depth one day at a time beginning next week.
1. The Curious Case of the Traveling Australians aka. Night One of Our Week In Vegas, New Years 2012
2. The Walk of Shame To End All Walk of Shames, aka. Not Your Typical Start to Your 25th Birthday
3. The Curious Case of the Skinned Knees, aka. Night One of RebeMiamiPalooza, aka. The Night of the Engineer, the Maid, and the Hotel Doctor
4. The Morning She Woke Up On The Floor of the Casino At The Cosmopolitain, aka. #nocabmoneylostinvegasproblems
5. The Most Peppery Situation of All, aka. The Night We Were Robbed of Mr. Harris and the Two-Hour Cab Line
6. The Night KP Forgot The Keys (Again), aka. The Night We Didn’t Forget About Dre
7. The Sunday Skrillex Scramble, aka. The Start of Our Lazy River Problems
8. The Day The Chronicles Got A Little More Furry, aka. Welcome To The Crew DJ RUTHARD
Stay tuned our loyal $alt$ters…
We’re BACCCKKKKKK!!!!
That’s right people, after a much needed and planned out $altscursion around the world, we are BACK. We have searched high and low, near and far, and have finally returned to our $altland wiser and far more saltacular than ever before. So shake out that pepper and replace it with some water, because if you think things were salty before, YOU DON’T KNOW THE MEANING OF SALTINESS.
Oh, and for the long hiatus we say, ” WERE SORRAYYYYYYYYY”.
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF “READER $ALTMISSIONS”:
Sent from a viewer on business in San Francisco. It seems that we have found our Nor Cal offices. Bonus: no need to order a new sign.
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING:
Winners of “$altiest dressed”. So salty, in fact, that you might as well have scooped them up, turned them upside down, and shaken them on your french fries. Except the salt probably would have poured out like a shaker with a loose top, simply due to the extremely high levels of awesomeness. And saltiness.
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING:
Who else could we even possibly imagine having DJ our white party but an all WHITE storm trooper. DUH.
NOTE: $alt IS white. We had a white party. If you all think that we didn’t plan this, think again.
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING:
This weekend the Chronicles of Saltiness hosted the most bo$$tastic, $altastic Labor Day party the $alty $eas have ever seen. So salty, our friends, that not even the ocean was prepared. In fact, had our yacht stayed out in the ocean any longer, we would have been stranded due to lack of water.
Yes, we left salt-tracks. Yes, things MAY have even gotten a little TOOOOO salty, but then again, what else would you expect from a party thrown by us truly, KP and LB, the OG Saltmasters?
PICTURED ABOVE: The 2 founders and CEO’s of The Chronicles of Saltiness, along with our 2 employees, HK and MM.
DISCLAIMER: Jealousy may ensue as you realize LB and KP are the coolest bosses ever. No. Pun. Intended.
AND NOW FOR THE GREATEST IDEA EVER:
The Chronicles of $altiness, in conjunction with Hornblower Yachts and Morton’s Salt have teamed up for this year’s Labor Day Party of the Year.
The $.$. BO$$AY will be setting sail on its maiden voyage September 4th, and if you did not get invited to this uber exclusive event, do not fret! We will be live streaming from the $alty $eas for you all to catch a glimpse at what is sure to be the $altiest soiree of the year.
Pictures and video coming soon!
AND NOW FOR A PEPPERY SITUATION:
Click HERE for another reason why pepper = NO BUENO….
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF: “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST GOT A REALITY SHOW!”:
Episode 4, part 2: We at the Chronicles of Saltiness were lucky enough to get a quick interview on the history of the ‘stache, the sombrero, and in all, get a little more familiar with this elusive creature known to all as “Encore Beach’s Dirty Sanchez”.
**NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW IS COMPLETELY CANDID. DIRTY SANCHEZ HAD NO IDEA HE WAS BEING FILMED, SO WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS PURE, UNPROVOKED SALTINESS AT ITS FINEST.
**WARNING: THE LEVELS OF SODIUM IN THIS VIDEO ARE OFF THE CHARTS. YOU ARE PROBABLY ALREADY DEHYDRATED JUST FROM READING THE ABOVE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF: “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST GOT A REALITY SHOW!”:
Episode 4: “Lo Siento”
**video coming shortly
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF “JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE”:
WAYNEverine, a loyal follower from the city that $alt built (La$ Vega$, DUH), sent us this photo of him, you know, just bo$$in it up. At work. As Wolverine. Completely normal, and awe$ome.
**Interview coming soon…
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER ADDITION TO THE BO$$TIONARY:
.saltomeness.
Sometimes using SALTY or AWESOME just doesn’t cut it. As demonstrated above.
![AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF “READER $ALTMISSIONS”:
Loyal reader “TS” just sent this article our way.
Title of the $altmission: “ MARS KNOWS WHAT$ UP, OBV$. ”
By Amina Khan, Los Angeles Time
August 5, 2011
Salty water may flow on Mars in the form of strange, dark lines on the terrain that grow and fade with the seasons, according to recent images. The findings, reported in the journal Science, provide a new line of evidence that life could exist on the Red Planet.The findings, released Thursday, describe images taken byNASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, currently circling the planet. The otherwise unremarkable lines on the planet’s slopes grow more prominent during the warm season, proliferating from late Martian spring into early fall. This suggests they were made by volatile chemicals that can boil at relatively low temperatures, such as water and carbon dioxide, the authors wrote.They look rather like flow lines that would be left by running water, ending in light-colored patches that could be material deposited by the flow, the authors added.If these are indeed signs of liquid water on the surface, the possibility that life exists on Mars “looks more likely,” said lead author Alfred McEwen, a planetary geologist at the University of Arizonain Tucson who is in charge of a high-resolution camera on the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.The dark streaks were observed in the mid-latitudes of the southern hemisphere — far enough south for ground ice to be present. They are present on equator-facing slopes that could get warm enough to melt ice.The apparent flow marks varied in size, from 0.5 meters to 5 meters wide. While they’re very rare —the researchers have identified just seven, with 20 other possible candidates — certain areas have thousands of such flow marks that could potentially have held thousands of gallons of water.University of Arizona undergraduate student Lujendra Ojha first noticed the seasonal changes after comparing two images of the same location taken at different points in time.“I was very surprised,” Ojha said. “It wasn’t something I was looking for, and when I first saw it I didn’t know what to make of it.”Team members were hesitant to leap to the conclusion they were seeing seasonal water. Although water exists in the form of ice in Mars’ polar caps and beneath the planet’s surface, thus far no instruments have directly detected it in liquid form, McEwen said. But there could be a reason for that, he added. If water were present in these flow lines, the liquid would probably evaporate into Mars’ thin atmosphere within hours. And such relatively small amounts of water would be difficult to pick up with current instruments.At the end of the day, no other possibility seemed as likely as water, McEwen said. Temperatures there were too high for carbon dioxide to exist in the form of frost. And they were too low for freshwater ice to melt and rise to the surface.But for salt water, which stays liquid at lower temperatures than pure water does, the conditions could be just right.The dark marks were not caused by wetness, McEwen emphasized. Rather, the dark marks would be caused as water swept lighter mineral grains down a slope’s surface, leaving behind larger, rougher grains that would cast greater shadows on the planet’s surface.The scientists did not rule out the possibility that other forces could have caused the lines.Perhaps, for example, the streaks were the result of dust devils kicking material downward. But there would be no reason for dust devils to appear solely on steep slopes facing the equator.Or maybe they were caused by material flaking off the surface as the ground expanded and contracted with the rising and falling temperatures. But this would be a slow process that should not present such dramatic seasonal changes.Other recent pieces of evidence have also supported the idea that liquid salt water can exist on Mars. Salt deposits have been detected in abundance on the planet. In addition, signs of possible saltwater droplets were detected on the struts of the Phoenix Mars Lander, a robotic spacecraft sent to Mars in 2008 to look for environments that could host microbial life.Finally, certain gullies on the planet’s surface look relatively new — possibly carved by water.“I’ve been something of a skeptic of the possibility of liquid water right at the surface under present conditions,” said Michael Carr, a retired U.S. Geological Survey geologist in Menlo Park, Calif., who was not involved with the study, “and I’ve been irritated in the past by people immediately jumping to yell, ‘Water on Mars!’ “But in this study, he added, “I think they make a very good case. … The story hangs together.”It also whetted researchers’ appetites for closer study.“The real thing we need to do is go to places where we think there was liquid water … and bring them back to Earth [to look for] any presence of life,” said Bruce Jakosky, a planetary scientist at the University of Colorado in Boulder.
http://www.latimes.com/la-sci-mars-salty-water-20110805,0,2425797.story?track=latiphoneapp](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lph9a2grIZ1qjyd7eo1_500.jpg)
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF “READER $ALTMISSIONS”:
Loyal reader “TS” just sent this article our way.
Title of the $altmission: “ MARS KNOWS WHAT$ UP, OBV$. ”
August 5, 2011
Salty water may flow on Mars in the form of strange, dark lines on the terrain that grow and fade with the seasons, according to recent images. The findings, reported in the journal Science, provide a new line of evidence that life could exist on the Red Planet.
The findings, released Thursday, describe images taken byNASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter, currently circling the planet. The otherwise unremarkable lines on the planet’s slopes grow more prominent during the warm season, proliferating from late Martian spring into early fall. This suggests they were made by volatile chemicals that can boil at relatively low temperatures, such as water and carbon dioxide, the authors wrote.
They look rather like flow lines that would be left by running water, ending in light-colored patches that could be material deposited by the flow, the authors added.
If these are indeed signs of liquid water on the surface, the possibility that life exists on Mars “looks more likely,” said lead author Alfred McEwen, a planetary geologist at the University of Arizonain Tucson who is in charge of a high-resolution camera on the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.
The dark streaks were observed in the mid-latitudes of the southern hemisphere — far enough south for ground ice to be present. They are present on equator-facing slopes that could get warm enough to melt ice.
The apparent flow marks varied in size, from 0.5 meters to 5 meters wide. While they’re very rare —the researchers have identified just seven, with 20 other possible candidates — certain areas have thousands of such flow marks that could potentially have held thousands of gallons of water.
University of Arizona undergraduate student Lujendra Ojha first noticed the seasonal changes after comparing two images of the same location taken at different points in time.
“I was very surprised,” Ojha said. “It wasn’t something I was looking for, and when I first saw it I didn’t know what to make of it.”
Team members were hesitant to leap to the conclusion they were seeing seasonal water. Although water exists in the form of ice in Mars’ polar caps and beneath the planet’s surface, thus far no instruments have directly detected it in liquid form, McEwen said. But there could be a reason for that, he added. If water were present in these flow lines, the liquid would probably evaporate into Mars’ thin atmosphere within hours. And such relatively small amounts of water would be difficult to pick up with current instruments.
At the end of the day, no other possibility seemed as likely as water, McEwen said. Temperatures there were too high for carbon dioxide to exist in the form of frost. And they were too low for freshwater ice to melt and rise to the surface.
But for salt water, which stays liquid at lower temperatures than pure water does, the conditions could be just right.
The dark marks were not caused by wetness, McEwen emphasized. Rather, the dark marks would be caused as water swept lighter mineral grains down a slope’s surface, leaving behind larger, rougher grains that would cast greater shadows on the planet’s surface.
The scientists did not rule out the possibility that other forces could have caused the lines.
Perhaps, for example, the streaks were the result of dust devils kicking material downward. But there would be no reason for dust devils to appear solely on steep slopes facing the equator.
Or maybe they were caused by material flaking off the surface as the ground expanded and contracted with the rising and falling temperatures. But this would be a slow process that should not present such dramatic seasonal changes.
Other recent pieces of evidence have also supported the idea that liquid salt water can exist on Mars. Salt deposits have been detected in abundance on the planet. In addition, signs of possible saltwater droplets were detected on the struts of the Phoenix Mars Lander, a robotic spacecraft sent to Mars in 2008 to look for environments that could host microbial life.
Finally, certain gullies on the planet’s surface look relatively new — possibly carved by water.
“I’ve been something of a skeptic of the possibility of liquid water right at the surface under present conditions,” said Michael Carr, a retired U.S. Geological Survey geologist in Menlo Park, Calif., who was not involved with the study, “and I’ve been irritated in the past by people immediately jumping to yell, ‘Water on Mars!’ “
But in this study, he added, “I think they make a very good case. … The story hangs together.”
It also whetted researchers’ appetites for closer study.
“The real thing we need to do is go to places where we think there was liquid water … and bring them back to Earth [to look for] any presence of life,” said Bruce Jakosky, a planetary scientist at the University of Colorado in Boulder.
http://www.latimes.com/la-sci-mars-salty-water-20110805,0,2425797.story?track=latiphoneapp
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF “READER $ALTMISSIONS”:
We received this photo late last night with the following caption:
“After deciding to drink our dinner, we quickly realized how “hungry” we still were and that we had “eaten” all of the food in our house. Immediately after realizing this, we ran out of the house and to the closest “food” store to replenish our apartment’s “food” supply. Upon returning to the apartment we realized just how fast we had bolted out the door when both me and my roommate looked to each other to unlock the door (neither of us brought our keys). After a quick brainstorming sesh and coming to the conclusion that we could NOT bother our landlord AGAIN for her extra key, we agreed that breaking in would be the only option. We also agreed, as being avid readers of this blog, that we must send a photo in as proof that your salt shakes of wisdom are not missed. We recognized a potentially “PEPPERY” situation and quickly found a “salternative” to continue on with our $alty evening”.
Need we say any more? And thank YOU, anonymous reader, for this great $altmission. BRAVO.
